It was sudden. It was devastating. Yet it was inevitable. I knew this day would come. But I didn't expect it to be so soon.
Each time I close my eyes, the flashback starts. Memories after memories kept flashing as I remember vividly each moment I had with you.
It was April 1997 when we came to pick you from a humble little house in Gombak. You were only 4 months old. I could still remember how tiny you were, sniffing everywhere suspiciously when you first saw us. I remembered your parents, who were in a silky shade of gold. How your mom was such a petite little dog, and your dad was the exact opposite. Just like how you grew up to be. Hard on the outside, yet soft on the inside.
You left that house with a heavy heart. But that was the start of your journey in life at the Phuan household. Jie and I chose the name 'Max' after running through what seemed like hundreds of pages from the book of baby names. I rooted for the name 'Irwin' but I finally gave up after I lost the bet with Jie. You never knew that, did you?
You were a curious little bugger. You bit everything at sight. Peed everywhere when you felt like it. You wreaked havoc in our little household. But all ends well when night fell and you would cuddle up in your cute little basket in our room, fast asleep. Nothing could beat that sight of watching you sleep peacefully.
You used to have your little rubber bone. And that cloth rag which we always played tug-of-war with. But you were one stubborn little puppy, biting your way up to my hand. My hands and fingers used to bleed a lot because of you. You loved to bite and scratch me. I used to cry then. And shouted 'I HATE YOU' while kicking you in the face. I was 7 then.
Mom and dad used to beat me a lot when I was disobedient. Depressed as I was, you came by my side to lick my wounds. You laid your head on my lap as my tears fell upon you, letting me pat your head. It was as if you understood my pain. I wonder if you really did.
Time passed by and we shifted houses. You had to stay outside. You were older. I was already 12. I grew busier as I engrossed myself with school activities. Training and studies ate up most of my time, I only paid attention to you during weekends when I had nothing else to do. But yet, you were never angry and you loved my company just as much.
It got even worse when I went over to university. Soon after, I took your presence for granted, never even visiting you at your usual spot when I'm back during days when I'm stressed. I pushed you away when you wanted so much to lick me. Max, I really regret so.
You got even older and sicker, mom and dad let you in the house during the nights. You laid under my piano chair when I played the piano, licking my legs, and you will fall fast asleep. Not long after, you started vomiting very often. You couldn't even stand up with your own 4 feet. You were so thin, it was bones all over. It breaks my heart so much seeing you losing your balance, and yet you still wanted to tail us while we attended to our chores.
And on March 30th, you heaved your last breath, leaving all of us behind in grief.
Why didn't you wait for me to be back?
Why didn't you let me see you for the last time?
It must have been scary, no? Having no one by your side when you left this world for good.
Max, they said all dogs go to heaven.
Is that true?
Well, I'm sure you did anyway, cause you were one good faithful dog.
Max,
I'm afraid to go back home.
I'm afraid to look at your usual spot, expecting to see you, but end up seeing emptiness instead.
I'm afraid of staying at home alone.
I miss you, Max, I really do.
I regret uttering those 3 words 'I HATE YOU'. I never meant it, you know that.
Back then, I used to wonder if I would even cry when you are really gone, 'after all, you're just a dog'.
I can't even close my eyes right now as I think of you when I do so.
I'm afraid I'll forget how patting you felt like.
I'm afraid I'll forget how soft your fur was.
I'm afraid I'll forget how you'll look at me in the eye when I used to call your name or 'boy boy' in a manja tone.
I'm afraid I'll forget the warmth of your tongue when you used to lick me.
But it's all gone now. You're never coming back to my side no matter how much I long for it.
All I hope is that you're resting in peace now, free from suffering.
You'll always be a part of me. I grew up with you, and those 12 years and 3 months with you were blissful to me.
Max, I'm crying as I'm writing you this. I believe I have never cried for you in the past 12 years we were together. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you well enough.
12 years ago...
Mom: Ning, look after the house while we're out. Don't open the door to strangers.
Me: But I'm scared...
Mom: Don't be silly. Nothing will happen.
Me: I'm really scared..
Mom: Don't worry, you're not alone. Max is with you, remember? He'll be on the lookout for you. He'll bark if strangers are around, so be alert.
And I believe you'll still be watching over all of us even after you're gone.
I LOVE YOU, BOY
In loving memory of Max
30th March 2009
Till then. Toodles!
